© Copyright notice: This is a fan fiction story written just for fun. Guild Wars 2 and anything from the Guild Wars lore used here belongs to ArenaNet. As such, I claim no copyright right over them!
Excessum Guild Chronicles
A special day for a special lady!
Welcome traveler! Are you busy fighting on your own? Are you trying to save Tyria from the armies of darkness or who knows, maybe you are one of those armies’ little goons? Well, it matters not, now sit down, grab a drink and listen to this tale! It’s about some of Tyria’s greatest champions! The ones that dared to face off the mighty Zhaitan and won!
Now just so you know. We aren’t talking here about those pesky critters that pop all over the place, wreaking havoc wherever they set foot!
As I was saying, our little story starts in Tyria, in the peaceful city of Lion’s Arch. This happened not long after the champions managed to send the powerful elder dragon Zhaitan to the bottom of Arah, and a little while before they met with the terrible forces of Scarlet and Mordremoth.
In this great city live thousands of individuals from races across the entire continent of Tyria. They have quaggans, charr, humans, norns, asura, and even talking frogs! Among them, there is one hero, who fought against the powerful Elder Dragon Zhaitan. He is also one of the Pact’s top commanders. He is a weird one who tends to avoid the life of luxary and instead enjoy simple and humble hobbies, such as fishing. For this reason, he is often found enjoying these peaceful and quiet times down by Macha’s Landing.
His name is Shaeva, a charr ranger forged in the Blood Legion. Although he is usually armed with a sturdy bow and sharp arrows, his only weapon now is a single fishing pole. Next to him, there is an entire bucket filled with some of the best bait he could find.
Shaevan was prepared to fish until the brink of dawn, but it was doubtful if his stomach could last that long. To be noted the fishing bait was bought and not made by the charr. The little asura next to the bank was selling good bait, alongside a couple of suspicious liquor cocktails. Unfortunately for him, Shaevan trained under the Blood Legion. While the basics didn’t include methods on how to win a drinking contest, the charr certainly knew how to keep his alcohol. It would take more than a lousy asura to wet his whistle with some strange concoction!
Looking up to his left, Shaevan could see the impressive Asura Gates at Gate Hub Plaza. These devices made it possible each day for all the species in Tyria to travel from their home countries to this incredible city. The guards were also doing a good job keeping any tourist at bay from littering or starting a fight. Of course, they kept a keen eye for any suspicious fellow and anyone who resembled a wanted criminal. Last time when some sylvari Nightmare lackey found her way into Lion’s Arch, the guards looked for her until they found her. She hid in a tree by the Lion’s Shadow Inn. Despite the heavy security and high risk of getting caught, it didn’t stop some idiots from testing out their luck and getting into the famous city.
“Peace. Quiet. Relaxation…” said Shaevan as he closed his eyes for a bit.
Suddenly, a small flyer dropped on his muzzle, waking the charr from his light sleep. Well, at least it didn’t stay long there as his pet, little Soul Calibur jumped up and caught it in his claws. What could one say? Devourers, despite their looks, once trained they were quite the cuddly and playful creatures. Although, those stings of theirs hurt like a Flame Legion Special Cocktail on a summer’s day!
“Hey! What are you eating?” asked Shaevan as he saw the devourer jump back and screech playfully at him.
“Hah! Always wanting to play… you little rascal!” said the charr and then another flyer caught his attention, but this one he managed to catch before his pet did. “What’s this?” he asked looking curiously at it.
Excessum Community! Major guild announcement celebrated throughout Tyria and appointed by all the known gods for its magnificence!
“Bnok…” grumbled Shaevan as he continued to read on.
Join the Guild Lottery! A major super awesome and incredible event organized by yours truly, the magnificent and outstanding Bnok! Appointed by Milla Rei and Benjamin Rule, guild leaders (All complaints should be directed at them and not at Bnok). His greatness Bnok uses the latest in asura weather forecasting technology to calculate and generate random numbers based on the unpredictable random weather phenomenons all across Tyria’s skies! Join the lottery now, receive a number and if by any chance the random generated will be yours, then YOU! Yes, YOU! The one that read this flyer and participated in the lottery with that winning number! You will receive the grand pot of 34 gold! The second place gets 23 gold, and the last place gets 14 gold! Hooray! (This event is funded by Excessum Community Guild and organized by Bnok-sama!)
Just when he finished reading the flyer, the fish pulled on his bait. Since Shaevan moved from his spot to catch that flyer, he didn’t manage to grab the fishing pole in time. When the fish pulled on the line, the pole went into the water, hitting the bucket and pouring all the bait into the water.
Shaevan couldn’t believe his eyes. The fish got away. He lost his fishing pole. He lost his bait, all at the same time. The shock and confusion were all written on his face as he still tried to process what exactly had just happened there.
He looked at the flyer in his hand and then crumbled it, letting out a fierce growl. “Come on Soul, it’s time to play Squash the Midget! Grrr…”
Up on the shore, next to the fountain in Lion’s Court, the small asura by the name of Bnok was already catching the attention of many willing adventurers. All of them were either just curious or actually not opposed to taking part in his lottery. The guild leaders, who were barely mentioned in the flyer, were there as well. They weren’t that far away from him, since they needed to make sure he wasn’t going to make a mess of things. The last thing the guild needed was a ticket from the Lion Guard for disturbing the peace.
They saw as both new and old members approached Bnok with the intent to take part in the Guild Lottery event. The more the better, one would say.
“So, do you think you will win again Milla?” asked Benjamin Rule, the second guild leader, a bald human mesmer.
“I only won once Ben! Once! And it was a small pot at that, so get off my back already!” complained the woman with long dark hair as she glared back at Ben.
“The leaders are participating?” whispered one of the members a few feet away from the respective individuals, but loud enough for them to actually hear them.
“The lottery must be rigged then.” said another.
“I won only ONCE! ONCE!” shouted Milla at them. “Once… and I never cheated!” she pouted.
“Don’t worry Milla, I believe you.” said Benjamin as he patted her shoulder.
Milla looked at him and then up at his bald head. “I wish I could believe you, but I’m sure you tried to bribe him!” she retorted and then turned around just in time to see her pet, with the name: I’m with stupid, read a quantum mechanics physics book. “Oh no! Kitty! That’s not for you, silly cat!” said Milla as she walked over and picked up the book in front of the feline. “Bnok you dropped this!” she shouted and then threw the book at the asura as hard as she could. Good thing she was a ranger and Bnok’s head was big and tough enough to hold in his ego, because the shot was dead on, straight to the face! “Sowwy!” said Milla albeit with a cute voice.
The feline glared at Milla for throwing his book and then lifted up a sign, on which said: “One of these days felines will rule the world… just you wait…” When Milla turned around, the feline threw the sign and pretended to be a normal cat.
“Oh you silly cat! Come on! Today we visit the clothes shop! I’m going to find you a nice kitty dress!” said Milla as she then dragged away the poor feline.
“Meow?” The feline appeared shocked when he heard her words.
As it got dragged away, he lifted up another sign: Help… I’m a boy!
Meanwhile, Bnok groaned and sat up, rubbing the lump on his head.
“What, in the name of all theoretical creations, hit me?” he asked. The first thing he got to see though was Shaevan glaring at him. “Shaevan? What are you doing here?” he asked a bit confused.
Shaevan smirked and picked up the little asura by the collar of his armor.
“Hello great outstanding Bnok…” he said with a bit of venom in his voice.
“Yes! I am the great outstanding Bnok! Now let me go! I need to get back to my theoretical analysis of the systematic increase in the basic funds of our guild, with the help of my cleverly designed and approved by economy researchers, lottery!” stated the asura as he spoke some fancy words that Shaevan just simply didn’t bother to understand or listen to.
“About that…” said Shaevan and then showed him the crumbled flyer. “Eat! It’s a new theory of mine. I think it will help finding an answer to world hunger! And just in time too! You look starved!” he growled and then stuffed the flyer into the poor asura’s mouth by force, to the surprise and maybe horror of all those around him. Once done Shaevan walked away while his stomach growled loudly. He had yet to eat anything.
Yuki Jormungand, a blond norn shout guardian walked up next to Ben as she looked at the scene. “What’s happening here?” she asked.
“Bnok most likely interrupted Shaevan’s fishing again. He’s a Blood Legion charr, not much we can do about them. I’m just glad he isn’t an Ash legion, otherwise I would have expected for Bnok to somehow end up in the healer’s hands because of some weird concoction he drunk by accident.” said Ben.
“Shouldn’t you, as the guild leader, do something about it?” asked Yuki.
“Yes, I did. Unfortunately reasoning with the ‘outstanding and great master of all Bnok’ or the temperamental Shaevan is the same as getting Milla to change the name of her pet or have her wear a commander’s tag. Impossible!” he noted and then looking up at Yuki, he said. “By the way…”
“Hm?” Yuki looked down in his eyes. “What is it?” she asked curiously and innocently.
“What do you think of this?” asked Ben as he pulled out a small plastic spider he had left from the Mad King’s event.
Yuki froze as she saw the little skittering thing. After another second passed she screamed from the top of her lungs and immediately ran away from Ben as fast as she could. It was funny to see the big norn woman clad in orichalcum armor run from that tiny plastic spider like a scared little girl.
“KYAA!!!” she screamed.
Ben remained still for a moment, blinking surprised and then put away the spider.
He snickered “Never ceases to amuse me.”
Seeing the scene, a new member asked Oonk, a necromancer asura and officer in the guild, what was going on and why did that norn ran away like that.
“Yuki got traumatized after we had a run with Milla Rei’s sister, Milla Mirage, in the Twilight Arbor dungeon. It so happens that miss Mirage broke all the spider eggs, and then all the little hatchlings swarmed poor Yuki. They crawled all over her body freaking her out. It took us no more than two hours to get them all off. Slippery little buggers they were! Since then, Yuki freaks out whenever she sees a spider. On the bright side of things, give her a hammer and show her that spider in World versus World or a dungeon, and she’ll smash through her enemies in the blink of an eye! For her, arachnephobia is the finest weapon and also her greatest weakness! HAHAHA!” said Oonk as he couldn’t help let out a small laughter.
“Isn’t that something mean to do to poor Yuki?” asked the new member.
“Nah! If we didn’t do that she wouldn’t be able to show her true destructive potential! Besides, you haven’t met our guild leaders yet!” smirked the asura.
Later, during the evening, most of Exccesum guild’s officers and members could be found at the Lion’s Shadow Inn in Lion’s Arch. They were either chatting about how their latest adventures went or drinking and eating away their money. Oonk especially could be seen enjoying his meal, gulping it down like a starved wolf.
“I am drunk!” said Heileen Shivael, a tall woman norn mesmer with a beautiful long hair tied up in a pony tail.
Right next to her laid the Flame Citadel helmet, a staff, and her sword and focus. By the looks of things, she was a condition build user. Despite various suggestions of all those around her, the stubborn norn refused to switch to a claymore and go berserker mode.
“I can see that. Now, why don’t you stop drinking?” asked Nemesis, the guild’s top necromancer sylvari.
“Oh? But you not drunk yet! Hahaha! Waiter! Another round! Nemesis is paying!” Heileen shouted, and a human hurried to please the norn’s thirst.
“What? What do you mean I am paying?! I only have three gold in my pockets, and I am already neck high in debt from the last inn, where, if I may remind you, you decided to trash the place just because some guy complained that the Scavanger’s Chasm jumping puzzle was too hard!” said Nemesis, who despite his words ended up paying the bill for the drunk mesmer. It was better not to argue with the drunk. He would get her to pay later, with interest.
“What? Who said that? I’ll crush him with my staff and stuff him up with dirt! Hic!” said Heileen as she struck the table with her fist, making Nemesis jump and grab the mead before the drunk mesmer spilled it all.
“No one Heileen! Now calm down and don’t wreck the place again… Please… For the sake of my sanity and in the hopes that tomorrow I’ll still have the copper I need to go to work?” asked necromancer. He sighed.
Heileen started to laugh loudly and then hugged Nemesis, almost crushing the poor sylvari in her big Arah chest armor. Although it probably wasn’t the armor as much as her large breasts that did the crushing. The difference in height between the two was quite staggering. It was like watching a child get hugged by his loving parent. Those who saw the scene and knew of Heileen’s crushing strength could only feel pity for the poor shrub.
Over at the bar, Milla Rei was having a nice glass of fruit juice together with Benjamin Rule. The bald mesmer was actually itching to go to Zevyr’s table. The norn woman warrior was getting ready for an entire night of playing cards with some other guild members. She was already thinking of the perfect plan to crush them all with her fierce strategy.
“So listen, Ben, we need to be careful of who we invite next time in the guild, cause the last guy tried to empty the vaults. The nerve of that guy! If Bnok wasn’t thrown by Shaevan for stepping on his tail, that bloody thief would have gotten away with it too!” said Milla.
“Yes. It was unfortunate… At least now we know that Bnok is aerodynamic, and we can use him when we run out of catapult ammo!” said Ben as he took a sip from his cold drink.
The mesmer leaned back and took a peek behind Milla Rei. He saw her sister, Milla Mirage, approaching her with a birthday cake. Now the question that went through his mind was if she was going to trip and drop the cake on Milla Rei’s head, or if she was going to end up hitting him with it. Either way, he was impressed that she managed to sneak up on them, despite being a mesmer and not a thief.
“Are you listening to me, Ben?” asked Milla Rei.
“Hm? Yes! I am… listening” he replied with a smile.
“Milla?” asked Milla Mirage as she placed herself right behind her sister.
“Hm?” Milla Rei turned around and then her sister and many of the other guild members, including Bnok, Yuki, Oonk, Korra Lux, Shaevan, Jokk, and many others all shouted at the same time “Happy Birthday Milla Rei!”
“AAH!! What? What?” screamed Milla Rai.
Startled by the surprise, the ranger jumped off her chair and landed right on her pet’s tail. The feline reacted with a loud “meow” and jumped forward as far as she could, landing claws first in Zevyr’s lap. The woman was knocking back and in her surprise threw her mead at one of the waiters. The hit was dead on his head, making the poor man drop a bucket of water right on top of Heileen and Nemesis.
“What the?!” shouted Nemesis, who jumped off his chair.
The poor shrub was now drenched to the bark in water and his beer was also ruined. On the other hand, Heilleen looked a bit sad, but it wasn’t because she got soaked to the skin. The norn was sad because her glass was now empty of mind numbing liquor.
“No more drinky drink?” asked Heileed and then looked up towards the bar. She saw Milla Rei and her cake. “Birthday? Milla!” shouted Heileen with a wide smile on her face. The norn got up and after she picked up Nemesis in one hand, she ran towards the woman ranger.
“What? Let me go Heileen! I’m not a sack of potatoes!” complained Nemesis.
“Oh no! Stay back Heileen! No! Sit! Down girl! Down!” shouted Milla Rei as all the others took one step away from the ranger, clearing the path for the huge norn mesmer. If there was anything that everyone at the Lion’s Shadow inn knew, it was to never stand in front of a stampeding drunk norn.
“Milla! Happy Birthday! You give drinky drink ya!?” said Heileen as she embraced the human woman.
The norn smashed into the ranger at a full speed, squeezing her in her powerful embrace.
“Kya! Heileen! Thank you, but you are… crushing my bones… can’t breath…” said Milla Rei, who feeling the full effects of a drunk norn’s hug.
“Oh? Sorry! Sorry! I’m excited! Milla Rei grew up one more year! You are 270 now, right? An old baba, ya?” asked the norn and in that moment, she received a bow in the head.
“Oi! I am not that old! I’m a human! I’ll be glad if I’ll get to see the age of 70 let alone 270!” said Milla Rei immediately.
“I’ve been through hell and back…” said Nemesis as he dangled under the norn’s arm. It appears as though the two women forgot the necromancer was still there.
“And that’s why we keep the drinks away from Heileen!” said Korra Lux, the red-haired asura female elementalist. She was clad in a beautiful phoenix armor and sitting next to Yuki and the big charr ranger.
“Or that fancy asuran bubbly juice.” added Shaevan, who was having some charr ale.
“I do say that Fitz water is excellent and I do know the one who made it! An excellent mind, unfortunately though, it didn’t win the first prize in the invention of the month contest! I still can’t believe the apple peeler got the first place!” said Korra.
“Fitz water, bubbly juice, it’s just same asuran weird science if you ask me!” said Shaevan as he took a big gulp of his ale.
“Complaints? You will have to address them directly to the krewe responsible for researching the beverage in Rata Sum!”
“Bah!” said Shaevan as he waved her off. The charr wasn’t interested in any of the weird things the asura made. As long as they gave him his peace and quiet, he was content.
“Now everyone! Sing with me!” said Heileen as he squeezed Milla Rei, making squeak.
Heileen stole everyone’s attention as she started to sing. At least, she released Milla Rei from her python grip, Nemesis as well. The woman ranger managed to catch her breath for a moment, but her sister was right there to get her to sing together with everyone else. It was her birthday after all, and everyone wanted to let her know that they cared, especially since Milla Mirage was pay.
The norn mesmer didn’t manage to hold back for long, and she started to hug and squeeze everyone around her. Milla Rei and Milla Mirage ended up as a pancake between her strong arms. Nemesis suffered the same fate again and when people realized that the mesmer was going for everyone in her sight, they all started to dodge like mad.
Korra and Oonk couldn’t help but laugh at the scene, until they were the ones getting targeted. Seeing the too asura run for their lives was more hilarious than Shaevan could imagine. When Heileen settled down and stopped chasing after everyone to hug them, the drunk norn started to sing again, but this time she was leading the guild’s choir. The members of Excessum sang a Happy Birthday to their guild leader. The party continued throughout the night, until the sun was up. They had a great time and for once the only foe they had to fear was the drunk norn mesmer and her hugs of death.