Note from the Author: I wrote this article in a moment of extreme depression, but despite the pessimism and lack of hope in it, I decided to post it as a self-therapy method. If you don’t want to read something like this, then please stop here.
As I’m sitting down and writing these words, only a couple of thoughts dare to cross my mind, questions both frightening and relieving at the same time:
Should I stay alive?
Is my life worth anything?
Why doesn’t God just kill me already?
It might be just the depression talking, but I look back at what I accomplished in my life, and I don’t see anything worth mentioning. Yes, I wrote three books, maybe I have three more on the way, but do they really matter with anything? My books have zero sales, three reviews in total from three years ago, and I doubt they can be applied to the rewritten versions (Do not be mistaken, thanks to those reviews, I rewrote my books in what I believe to be a better way).
Now let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am unemployed. I live with my mom, barely leaving my room because I have no friends in my town or will to see the outside world (I’ve been on trips, saw monuments, rivers, mountains, and the sea, but all were met with countless sensations of Deja Vu). I am sick, I have Hepatitis B and Hepatitis D (Thank you dentist!). Because of that, I am in constant need of meds called Entecavir or Baraclude, which cost twice the average salary of a normal employee in Romania (should I even mention the fact that I’ve been struggling with them for over 7 years? The meds are not free, by the way… I’m a pathetic leech on my mom’s budget). I studied in Romania at the Aerospace Engineering Faculty and graduated as an engineer of Propulsion Systems, but don’t let the name or ing. title fool you, what we studied was beyond pathetic, and although they sound fancy, the aerospace industry in Romania is practically destroyed. Our Air Force fly Mig 21’s (best there ever was, but still…). And we bought F16 in third hand, with almost triple the price in USA, but these are just some annoying details unconnected to my life, but they just give to show how pathetic Romania’s aerospace industry is (near non-existent). So moving on…
I live in constant depression, and honestly, every time I see a spark of light, it is immediately crushed by my surrounding world. While I was on Interferon, I was thinking of killing myself at least 20 times a day. I was walking down on the street and wondering how it would be to die by bashing my head on the stop sign or by throwing myself in front of a car. I knew it would cause trouble for others, so I didn’t.
I once thought writing was the only freedom, the only source of hope I had in my life, but I was wrong.
Just the other day, I pressed the publish button on Amazon and launched a new book, but I did not feel either the joy or happiness that I normally should. I felt doubt, I felt fear, I felt worry. In short, I don’t have even a drop of faith that I can succeed with what I write.
I want to, but honestly I doubt it’s possible.
You may ask why don’t I try writing in Romanian? I tried, I even finished three books and tried my luck with the publishers here. Unfortunately, I wasn’t famous enough or rich enough to be given even a simple rejection reply. I was left to wait and wait and wait… Months passed and there was nothing.
That felt a thousand times worse than getting a rejection letter, because I was totally ignored by them.
I thought about getting employed, but my skills are pathetic. All I can do is just think of impossible things, imagine absurd worlds, fantastic beings, incredible people, but those are all from my point of view, maybe you saw them, you would think they are worthless or pathetic.
My other skills might be in spirituality, but I only have knowledge there of how the universe works, but honestly though, who the Hell would care about listening to what I have to say regarding God, regarding reincarnation, regarding this entire existence?
No one. I really doubt there is anyone reading this article now, or maybe the ones who do are just wondering if there is anything interesting to laugh about. Some might wonder if there is a way to make me suffer more. Who knows?
Getting back to what I can do? I can probably do some sort of psychological profiling, and I can probably be a good matchmaker because of that, but I tried… the end result was people yelling at me for telling them a way to save their relationship and then if by some miracle, they did follow my words, they said I never said a word, and I never actually helped at all. This happened more than once in various situations, so I gave up on that.
What else can I do? Well, I like to play games, and I have quite a few (ok billion and one) ideas for game mechanics, stories, level designs, graphics, character, etc. Unfortunately for those areas, I need some programming skills as well, and I kind of suck at that. I can’t just go to a gaming company (even an indie one) and tell them: hey, I have a great idea for a game! The answer would be: We all think we do!
Is there anything else I can do? Besides my imagination, I really have nothing else… absolutely nothing, since I seriously doubt anyone would believe me when I tell them I remember past lives, and I know some of the more advanced theories regarding physics. No one would actually be interested in those things, right?
Politics? Hell, I can describe you in detail, up to the very last law how the next political system will be! I’m talking about the one which can surpass democracy and any we had until now, as well as support globalization and allow further expansion into outer space, but who would be interested in something as stupid as that? Would you guys want it? Would you like to know true freedom? Do you actually want to understand how mankind can coexist together?
Let me ease up your work and answer for you: no. Why do I claim that I know you don’t want it? It’s quite simple. It would require for you to move your ass out of your comfort zone and actually change something, do something with your own two hands, but yeah… a very doubtful situation.
Moving on, I don’t want to insult anyone who actually read this article, if anyone at all ever will…
So here I am thinking that my life is worth crap, and that I see no point in living… For more than three years now, I honestly saw no actual point in my existence. Dead or alive is the same shit. Actually, alive I just end up paying some past karma and suffering senselessly… Great job Soul for picking for me a shitty life!
Sigh… I would tell you why I blame my soul instead of God, but nah… you don’t care about that.
So yeah… depression… It sucks.
For three years… it sucked.
I’m not actually trying to think if there is any point in continuing my petty existence. Job none, I can count my Real-Life friends on one hand. Or, maybe I’m a piece of crap who doesn’t see his other friends because of this depression. It might be a possibility as well… but meh.
I’m still thinking….
15 minutes later and still thinking…
Hey! I wrote three books! Of which no one knows about and even less wants to read… Did I ever mention that the feedback I got for them is nonexistent (counting updated books feedback, not past)?
Great… now I don’t know if what I write is good, worth anything, or even what the hell I need to do to improve with it. Don’t tell me about editors because there is no way I can actually hire one! I am too poor.
Hm, maybe I still have my health? Oh, right! Hepatitis D is incurable… great. So if I don’t kill myself, I’ll die because my liver will stop functioning… (-.-) At least, it’s contained, and unless I do a blood transfusion, chances are nearly non-existent for me to pass it on to another.
The only thing I can think about that keeps me from killing myself is my imagination… I feel that I have the duty to at least leave whatever else floats in that big noggin of mine, good or bad, genius or worthless, it doesn’t matter anymore.
I will sit down and just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’ll publish on Amazon all the books I can write, all the articles that I can think of, about anything, and then if nothing changes… if I’m still the same, I’ll consider my mission on this world over… My last article will be my good-bye world article.
If anyone actually read this, sorry it’s so depressing. I hope you have a better luck in life than I do. And maybe, if my luck changes before I finish writing everything I have in my head, I hope I’ll be able to post the continuation of this article of how to keep your hopes up and keep pushing through life even if its shit. Unfortunately, right now I’m at my last push…
Thank you for reading. 😦