I didn’t know what to do for my next article, and I really wanted to write something about love confessions. That’s why I opened a portal to one of my many Fantasy worlds and began to interview some of the species I found there. I’m not going to give them any names in order to protect their identity, plus I was threatened to be hanged by my toes by the gods of that world if I did…
Author: So, how do elves confess their love?
Elf: An elf confessing their love? Well, I can still remember the time when I first met my sweet Lily! Ah~! Such wonderful times! I picked up countless enchanted flowers from the fields of Eternal Harmony for more than twenty days and then spent half a year making her the most beautiful of flower dresses! It was so beautiful, so elegant, so majestic, and she even has it now, after all these years!
(After he returned from his dream land, he straightened up and looked at me more seriously.)
So, if you want to confess to the girl of your dreams, it’s quite simple. Just get one of the most luxurious gifts you can think of, wait until it’s a clear, beautiful day outside, and reserve a nice, elegant restaurant. You don’t want to do this on an empty stomach, after all! Once it’s night, and the stars can be seen sparkling beautifully up in the sky, choose the right moment and offer her the gift of your heart while saying: “May I be with you for the rest of our never-ending lives?” It will be impossible for her to say “No”!
Author: Erm… I thought I said confess your love, not ask her hand in marriage?
Elf: Huh? What do you mean? Confessing your love is the same as marriage! Why would you even love someone who you do no wish to marry? Bah! You humans are weird!
Author: Let’s say I want to confess my love to a pretty Dwarf lady, how do I go about it?
Dwarf: Getting the pretty gal? Simple, ma’ boy! You go to the bar, grab the biggest keg you can find and then head to the smithy! Buy a large hammer, a shield, and a helmet! The following day, knock at the door of her home and offer the keg to the mother while the large hammer to the father.
Author: What about the shied and the helmet? Are those for her?
Dwarf: Oh? The shield and helmet? Nonsense! Those aren’t for her, those are for you in case you screw things up! The’ll be flying hammers and kegs coming at you if that’s the case! (the dwarf laughs loudly) You will need to defend yourself with something, especially your noggin’! As for the cute maiden, (he shrugged) it’s quite simple, get down on your knees, bow your head until your forehead kisses the floor and then say it clearly so that both her and her parents can hear it: “I like you! Please allow this fool to court you!” I’m telling you, she’ll be head over heels before you know it! It takes quite the courage to say those words in her parents home and not to mention to show that you are willing to throw away your pride for her! No sane dwarf would bow in such a submissive way in front of just any woman!
Author: Hm, I don’t know… Does it actually work?
Dwarf: If it works? Pah! Of course! 9 out of 10 times!
Author: 9 out 10? Those are some very good odds. What happens to the one fellow who fails?
Dwarf: Oh, that one? We have a funeral then. There’s always one fool who forgets the helmet… The others who fail but live get to try again! Eventually, they succeed and we get free drinks!
Author: Please… can’t breath… tail coiled… neck…
Naga: Ah, my apologiesss… I thought you are food…
Author: Puha~! It’s good to breath again… Anyway, I came by because I wanted to ask how a Naga confesses their love. Can you tell me, please?
Naga: Sss! Confesssion? For mate? Hm… You hunt wild bearsss or large beassst. You bring spine to father of future mate, and heart to mother. While the guardiansss are appeasssed, you will bring flowersss to her.
Author: Flowers? That’s quite… normal.
Naga: What? We Naga may be part sssnakes, but we are not barbariansss. Although, courting usssually lassst for almossst a year or until the nexssst mating ssseassson. After your firssst time together, you become her mate and she becomesss yoursss. Sssimple, right?
Author: Yes, it does sound simple, but what happens if you fail?
Naga: If you fail, you have to leave ssswiffftly before she attacksss you, thinking you are intruding on her territory. Although, that’sss jussst her way of making sure the male doesssn’t attack her.
Author: I see… Gifts to appease the parents and flowers to charm the lady, right?
Naga: Yesss… Hm, you sssmell good… almossst like bacon.
Author: Oh! Look at the sun, I have to get going… Erm… there’s a… there’s a dragon calling me to battle the horse! See ya! (the author runs away as fast as his legs can carry him)
Well, after I successfully escaped the Naga’s clutches, I managed to return to the real world. The recorder wasn’t broken, so that was good, but there were still lots of other species I had yet to ask… Next time maybe? And just to be sure, I’ll bring a helmet…
From the Author: Lily is just an affectionate name the Elf calls her by, so I the gods weren’t mad at…
I hope you enjoyed my little adventure! If you wish, please give it a share so your friends may enjoy it as well ^ ^